Following a recent trip to Europe and Asia I have put together my Top 10 Travel Tips the books don't tell you. Enjoy.
Plan Ahead
Print out Google Maps and directions ahead of arrival. This will assist in spotting the cunning plans of dodgy taxi drivers to separate you from your money. Remember you are a mark, looking around at the buildings all wide eyed and excited. They all want to suckle at the naive tourist teat. A recent example in Italy..
"How much to go to X Hotel? Do you have meter?"
"No meter, is public holiday today, for you 28 Euro."
"It's 2km away, are you serious?" [awkward pause... with a sort of OK you got me now move along so I can try it on the next chump.
Toilets
Go before you leave your hotel!..always. A good bathroom is a rare and beautiful thing. There is no telling what sort of disgusting, unflushable, shower looking, piss riddled, squat hole awaits you...for a fee.(See the next point)
Also have a drink before committing to a meal and use the bathroom before asking for a menu. Sometimes you return, "This place is nice" other times, "Holy shit, quick we're leaving and I need to burn my thongs."
Change in the Pocket, Backpack on the Front
Always have change on you. Throughout Europe you will see beggars, buskers, need money for toilets, and have "helpers" who will; tell you the time, find you a car park, or any small task they can perform for a fee of a euro.
Backpack on the front relates to pick pockets. Never stop to sign a petition, never allow yourself to be too distracted by a performance, you will be fleeced. You are not likely to be robbed at knife point, and the vibe of Europe is super friendly and Bohemian. You will never find money on the streets, and there is a lot of poverty. If you leave your bag for a second, or leave your wallet exposed they will be gone before you can say "I need a police report for my Travel insurance"
Watch out for people bumping or brushing you, especially on transport as this is normally when your wallet goes.
Travel by Train
Train around Europe is awesome! 250km/h, beer serving, cheep, WiFi enabled glass and a half of happy. You can save money on accommodation by overnighting flights or trains. You can also Check out of a hotel at 12, leave your bags there, day in the sun, return at 10, collect the bags and head to the station.
Language
The basics you will need are...
"Hello, What is the price?, I would like, 1-5, Thank you, Goodbye, No Thankyou.
"Bonjour, Quanto Price, Je vous dre, Un deux, trois, Quatre, Merci, Au vois, Merci
This will get you through and you get a different..respect or appreciation for having attempted. As opposed to "I WANT CHIPS AND EGGS, WHY DON'T YOU SPEAK ENGLISH FRENCHY" I had a humble appreciation of my butchery of the silk dipped and elegant language that is French, as opposed to Americans, who had a sort of pity for the french that they couldn't speak American very well.
Other important phrases to learn are:
"That is my wife's cocaine, not mine"
"Where is the Australian embassy? It has happened again"
"Are you a lady boy?"
"Where is the ping-pong show?"
The Lonely Planet quick guide contains all your important translations such as "Fuck me: harder, softer, faster, slower." All displayed hifanetiklee for ease of use.
"Find the Festival"
Find the festival, ride the bull, doing the bull dance, feeling the flow, drinking the Mojito, all good things, good energy, circular.
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Just be careful you book accommodation at least three weeks in advance if it is high season and there is a festival.
Talk to Friends and new Friends
As there are currently about three-hundred thousand Ozzies currently pulling beers and backpacking all over this beautiful globe. It stands to reason that at least some of your friends will be able to impart knowledge of that Mexican city where they had Peyote and woke up in a bath without a Kidney. Ola! Advice is gold.
Also if you see a hot girl with pig tails and a back pack this is a great way to get her into [ C E N S O R E D] don't forget, if you can't be good, be good at it, if you can't be good at it, take pictures. The Dalai Lama tought me that.
Travel Light and buy a Suitcase
Thongs, Shorts, and Three times T-Shirts, Jocks and socks is all you need. Buy the rest dirt cheap along the way.
Check in and Check it Out
Check in online the night before your flight or you will queue with the sheep. One our early for check in will usually let you get the emergency exit, especially if your an Ozzie who has been brought up on hormoned chicken and antibiotics and is 6'2 or bigger this can make travel more comfortable. Remember to get pissed on the plane as this assists in thinning the blood and avoiding DVT. Sir David Boon taught us this with his two slabs from Australia to England effort. Great work looking after the body.
McDonald's, Train stations and Air Ports have free/cheep WiFi for checking in, or checking out hotels on Trip Adviser.
Make the Deal Prior to Sale or Departure
Every one will try to rip ya caus they gotta get paid, "Man I've got five kids to feed!" so agree to terms before the trip. This applies to taxis especially
"The world is a book and if you don't travel you read only a page"
