CLM’s at the work social functions

A CLM, or “Career Limiting Manoeuvre” is any act, either during work hours, or outside, exposing your inner idiot to management, and making them glad they passed you over for that promotion last year.

The work function, and especially the Christmas party is the best arena to limit ones career. The suits will be swapped for jeans and appropriate collared shirts, staff resources scramble for sausage rolls, the meeting agenda is a massive bender, the project mandate, get the hips to gyrate.   

Within minutes, intentions, reservation and social boundaries are drowning in social lubricant. Different characters then start to emerge, it seems the same types of characters exist in every work place. There is the shy quiet guy who has three beers becomes the worlds loudest extravert. There is the ear chewer, and the person who wants to give the ‘bosh’ a piece of his mind as soon as he finishes this bottle of bourbon.

The obvious secret office romance so closely guarded or unfulfilled starts firing up in the corner. If you are in one, please be aware these are always as obvious as a third nipple on your forehead to your colleagues. A mad drunken public pash on the podium will be hazily recalled with hung over horror the following morning. The excuse, “but I was blind as a welder’s dog!” will have to suffice…again.

And let us tip our hats and always remember the “man of the match”, the one person who’s antics were highlights, the person who had their pants off and on their head before everyone has even arrived, three drinks in front of the field, he started a fight with the bartender, spilt a drink on the pregnant lady, kicked a puppy, demanded a pay rise and threw up in the taxi. Management material. 

 

Jonathan Nolan is an MX reader who will offer you shots at the Christmas party.

Dinner party no go “Faux pas for the course”

I have heard of a rule, possibly a boring one, which states that dinner party conversation should avoid the topics of sex, politics, and religion. Therefore “Have you heard the one about the priest, the Queensland Labour party candidate and the dominatrix?” is fantastic fun if you’re a habitual instigator, persistent line crosser, or a tenacious feather ruffler, but probably not recommended as an icebreaker at your partners work dinner. The reason it is recommended those topics be avoided seems to me to relate to the passion people hold with concepts or beliefs that go to the core and people will rarely shift their opinions. A brick of an idea set in your minds concrete, hardened with age. Having all your beliefs decided seems to makes people feel complete, more whole. I like to think I could have an opinion swayed with a convincing enough argument. Ask yourself, “When was the last time you changed your mind on a big issue? Or more importantly what in your life has the power to change your perception of the world around you?

Religion is an obvious one, no one wants to be baptized between the entrée and main meal, and I have never seen anyone have their religious beliefs changed. Any attempt to convert the heathen, pagan sun worshipers to your cult and have them drinking the coulis by the main course will no doubt end in enough tears to baptize a room full of sinners. “Demons out!” And as far as I’m concerned, evangelists out! Religion is a wonderful thing for people to have, however if I become aware of it, it looses its beauty.

As any dinner party progresses, the socially inept and opinionated have converted the weak minded to the ways of the Jedi, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” Sex must be next on the agenda, the outgoing hedonists wanting to shock and awe the left wing conservatives. How quickly a civilised dinner party can end with keys in a bowl, everyone having grown bad mustaches, wearing polo necks and platform shoes. Just remember, kinky is using a feather in the bedroom, but perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

Discussions of politics arrive with the dessert course, and with the alcohol flowing, some at the dinner party have socially lubricated themselves that well there is no censorship friction at all between concept and mouth. I am guessing the Latin term would be “vino verobolis dihoreticas.”

If it is an important dinner such as your partner’s boss has invited you around, apply the 10/10 Beer Vs. Importance rule. If the importance of the event is 8/10 you can only have 2/10 beers. If you rate the importance is 4/10 then down a six-pack and dance the sprinkler. In Vino Veritas, or “In wine there is truth.” “Hey you, I don’t like you at work, but your wife has a fit bum” will come back to bite you on the bum. If the conversation gets heated before the dinner, play the arbitrator and try to find common ground, “How bad are the local council but how good is the local football team!”
 Remember what happens on the footy trip stays on the footy trip, however what happens at the dinner party will be brought up by your wife for weeks.  

Jonathan gets great joy out of being a habitual instigator, persistent line crosser, or a tenacious feather ruffler.