Spare Change

People don't change, that is the way the saying goes, perhaps along the way our perceptions change and that is all. It is a depressing thought, I have read that the human psyche is formed by the age of five, from that point the windows or filter in which we view the world has hardened, the dye cast, the concrete foundations never to be further molded before setting. The band "The Doors" is based on a book that looks at this very concept, The Doors of Perception by Aldus Huxley "If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things through narrow chinks of his cavern." I suggest all people read this book prior to age five while tripping on acid and listening to break on through to the other side, being played in reverse on a turntable.



If you are older then five, then stop reading and give up, it is too late for you. I would like to read the following books in my life, but accompanied by a dash of vodka with a twist of context. I want to read Robinson Caruso while lost on an Island, read Dracula while traveling through Eastern Europe in winter with a hot sadist gothic chic. I want to give away everything I own and live on the streets of London, my companion a pit bull with a black spot over his eye with a copy of Oliver Twist in me pocket. I want to take "Love in the time of Cholera" and adapt if for the present day.” Love in the time of H1N1." Whenever I travel on public transport I cover my books with "The Idiots Guide to Windows 98," to see the looks of amazement and the odd offer of help from people who work in I.T and cannot handle it.


The definition of a decision is to cut off from all other options, similar to incise. I am not going to get into Latin, except to say "Carpe Dium" which is "Eat fish." Why decision when I am speaking of change? A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, or an apology RSVP saying, "I would love to come to your thing, but it is a thousand miles. Maybe next year you'll have your thing a bit closer if you want people to come you selfish bastard." As Tony Robbins said at a recent seminar, "When life gives you lemons...say fuck it and ditch."
Decision is the first step in change, the spark to ignite the fuel, which must burn bright enough to buckle the existing structures of habit. Wow! I love my metaphors, like a fat kid loves cake; to 50 cent coin a phrase. If there was an automatic metaphor writing application I would buy it, Meta4, and coming soon Meta5, the Rolls Royce of Writing.

Bang! I write bang when I am happy with myself, looking around the VLine carriage tempted to stand up, "Excuse me if I could have everyone’s attention, I have just written an extremely witty phrase and I would like to share it with you all." There is a group of professionals that commute and some seem interesting. There of course is a minority, the 80-20 that exists everywhere. Shazza and Kimmy will get on the train, flanked by any number of toddlers; an atmosphere of chaos, noise and conflict fills every serene crack with in a 30-foot radius. There is always an issue too, a lost ticket, the wrong train, a distressed phone call, the child falls and takes three massive shocked inhalations in a row before a cacophony screaming ensues. A mixture of tears and mothers consoling hand make a clean spot on the child. It is the comments that get me, "Yea she's sixteen now, but I don't let her smoke at the table in front of her kids." What the? It is just like on Leave it to Beaver or the Wonder Years... no wait, it is not at all. So how does change relate to this situation? It doesn't at all, I just needed to get that out there in order to maintain my serine outward appearance as the unruly rabble run back and forth to the drink fountain, high pitched yelps emitted at random intervals, like some kind of an advanced sonar which enables the mother to monitor them subconsciously, leaving her free to focus the entire caliber and capacity of the creative mind on the cold fusion reactor designs she is working on, hidden in the pages of the Glam magazine.

I guess everyone aspires to be better, to grow, for knowledge, for wealth (or the freedom wealth brings), a better car, a longer holiday. Some people are happy with the cave and a curtain, simply aiming for a dwelling and privacy. I would like to be 'never have to work again' sort of rich, but currently the only item in my life with the capacity to take me there is my Friday lotto ticket, a sobering thought, some times I write things and then realise their truth, a laceration with my subconscious pen. When I refer to capacity I am looking at the ability, no matter how slight, that your occupation or the side project could be the next big thing and make you a million. Google was started in a garage with a dream and a little sweat. My grandfather always told me, "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." Hey that sweaty guy working in his mum’s garage has a great idea, give him a Ferrari.
The 1978 Microsoft team...


I sometimes fear the challenge and discomfort I find in change. Deep down I know change is good, it pushes boundaries, moves us out of our comfort zone, forces growth, until you don’t even recognize the place you were. You look back at the photographs of yourself and letters you have written and see the flaws and naivety only in the places you have grown. I work in health and wonder, will we look back on medicine today in a hundred years the way we look back on medicine from the start of the 20th century? Surgeons will talk of the dark days of the 21st century when patients were actually opened up on the table, and where secondary infections killed people.

I tried Rock Climbing two days ago, amazing. I got about 20 feet up and then did not want to fall backwards into my secure rope and harness, why? The same reason I don't like to fly all that much, I hate when things are out of my control or when I rely on the untested with my precious mortality. One day I will let go, it’s all a state of mind, although "they” did link a hormone, which is in excess in bullfighters and is almost non-existent in people who fear leaving their house. So how do I normally change this? I commit, “I am going to touch the 60 ft roof and then jump off backwards the next time I climb!” Done, I make those commitments sometimes in a puff of motivation, which I regret immensely when I am hanging off a wall 21 feet off the ground sometime next week. "Damn damn stupid goal setting self, look what you’ve got us into, look how high the roof is. Sitting there on the train all motivated and now look what we have to do!" I will only worry when the conversation becomes two sided. "Jonathan, it is your therapist here, I would like to speak to personality number 34 please." I wonder if split personality disorders have to pay a group rate for a therapy session… these are all good questions.

I like the use of the Phoenix as an analogy for change as well as rebirth. The phoenix is a mythical creature rising from the ashes, reborn from flames.


I have been off cigarettes now for five weeks (ashes reminded me) It is an interesting change, you become aware of all the triggers in life that link old habits and inhibit change, and there are hundreds, the end of dinner, a movie, a car, train, bus ride, a beer basically everything is a well worn path we seem to want to walk, like a homing Gauloises. Ahh that smooth Laramie taste, sweet dark nipple, I will always miss you. (What? it's very addictive)



More coffee discussions, deliberations, chewing of the fat are needed, but maybe no more coffee for me today, in fact I have made a decision, I have cut off all other options.


Jonathan