Honest Applications

Charles Manson, Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler all probably lived in shared houses at some stage. I’ll bet they were quiet, kept to themselves. Maybe they were bouncing ideas off their pet mouse Pinkie for plans to take over the world, but at least they didn’t eat other people’s food from the fridge.

Finding a flatmate is a very difficult task. People hide behind the mask of best behaviour, layering assurances of being trustworthy, clean and fiscally responsible. We tend to seek the perfect person, when really if they are not a psycho killer - ques que c’est, don’t pee on the toilet floor, and steal your things.

Honesty is the best policy. “In vino veritas” or “in wine there is truth,” and by that logic, all interviews of potential housemates should take place and the pub with four sheets to the wind, hopefully realising who needs to walk the plank early in the piece.

When letting people know that you are looking for a place, why not be completely out there and truthful,
“Room Wanted: Twenty-three year old male mental teenager with pitiful material goods apart from a bike (which I will leave in the hall) seeks, preferably female share housemates. I am unable to use an ATM, washing machine, dishwasher, microwave or dishcloth, but can drink for an entire day straight. I will shamelessly try to bed all your friends, scratch your vinyl, step on your cat Lionel, drink the orange juice out of the bottle, drink that special shiraz magnum you put away. I will leave freaky amounts of curly hairs on your lavender soap your sister gave you as a present, I will be late with everything including rent, appointments, coughing up for bills, in fact I will only ever be early when it is awkward and you’re making out with a new date on the couch.”

There is a flip side to the coin if you are advertising a room for rent in a shared house there is a reality that should be conveyed. Let’s call it a residential disclosure. If you are trying to rent out a cupboard under the stairs to get some extra finances to pay for the meth lab ingredients so you can cook ice in the messy house with the long grass where the stereo is never off and the fridge contains three unidentifiable fury things on plates on each of the shelves. If this is the case the advertisement should read “Cupboard under stairs for rent in trainspotting house. Recent tetanus shot advised but not essential.” It should not however read,
“Lively, social and upbeat inner city apartment with a liberal, musical, university group seeks a flatmate to share the fun, chemistry majors preferred.”

I guess a majority of problems in a shared house come from people being in a different space. One studying for exams while the other wants to party. I guess the solution is not to advertise, but to find someone in the same course or within the group of friends. At least this way you can be somewhat assured you won’t find them watching you sleep, it’s less likely they will shag your sister, and there is a slightly diminished chance of them selling your flat screen at Cash Converters to buy armour in World of Warcraft.